Zombeavers is a Delightfully Awful Movie

I’m not typically a horror fan. I scream at everything, am prone to panic attacks, and hate jump scares with a passion. However, as the season grows colder and Halloween draws closer, I can’t help but try and get into the spirit of the holiday. How have I done that, you may ask? By watching an absolute masterpiece of cinema: the film “Zombeavers.”

I should add that I did not choose to watch this movie of my own volition. I put it on a list of movies and it was then chosen by Sanskrit Associate Editor, Melissa Martin. The general plot is as follows: A group of teenagers decides to take a weekend trip to the lake, where they soon are attacked by mutant beavers of the zombie variety. If that doesn’t sound like an absolute shitshow, I don’t know what does.

First of all, none of the actors in this stand out. All of them fail to show any potential to rise above the absolutely insane script. On top of that, all of the characters are extremely one-sided and almost no effort seems to have been put into character development or nuance. This makes the first thirty minutes of this movie almost impossible to watch, as it focuses completely on these uninteresting (and honestly pretty awful) characters. I kept waiting for the zombeavers to arrive and wondering if the wait would be worth it.

Long story short: it was. Because the craziness of this movie cannot be explained in complete paragraphs, below is a list of the absolutely insane plot points of this movie.

  1. These beavers were turned into “zombies” by a random metal can of green goo. No explanation of what is in it. Granted, it doesn’t really matter as long as the plot works, right?
  2. These teenagers for to visit a “beautiful lake.” This is not a beautiful lake. This is a dirty pond.
  3. There is so much random and unnecessary nudity. I get that they are supposed to be teenagers, but in no way do these characters act like actual teenagers (or even actual people).
  4. There is a character that wears a hat constantly. As in, he never takes it off. Not when he is having sex. Not when he is swimming. NOT WHEN HE IS DYING OR TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE. The hat lives forever.                                    

    Hat boy, swimming valiantly after losing a foot. With a beanie on.

  5. A kamikaze zombeaver sets itself on fire via an electrical socket and then burns down a house.
  6. The first casualty in this movie occurs when the beavers chew down a tree and cause it to fall on and kill a person. I have no words.
  7. People have the ability to become zombeavers. Not going to lie, this is the only scary part of this whole movie. All of the special effects money must have gone to these human/beaver transformations and not to anything else.             
  8. Why do I think all of the special effects money went to the human zombeavers? Because it definitely didn’t go to the actual zombeavers. They are ugly, matted, puppet creatures that quite possibly have beads or marbles for eyes.          
  9. A girl jumps out of a window from a two-story house into a yard full of zombeavers. Not only does she not die from the fall, the zombeavers don’t attack her either?
  10. Who holds a baseball bat like this? Why? How are you going to defend yourself like this? 
  11. A human zombeaver tears off a character’s penis right after they have sex. This needs no more explanation.
  12. This shot.                                         

 

If you like actual horror movies, this is not the movie for you. It is not a “good” movie in any sense of the word. However, it’s worth seeing just for the experience alone. It is so bad you just can’t look away, at least once the zombeavers show up. I have never laughed so hard at a movie in my entire life. And clearly, it’s left a significant impression as I’m still talking about it days later. Please, go watch Zombeavers (available for streaming on Netflix). We can make fun of it together.

photo credits:

https://www.themovieclips.com/trailer-zombeavers

http://www.zimbio.com/Trailer+Watch/articles/X5NeKbmyAx4/Can+t+Stop+Watching+Ridiculous+Glorious+Trailer

31 Days of Horror #15 – Zombeavers (2014)

“Zombeavers”: A horror-endous film

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/zombeavers/showtimes/

 

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About the Author

Elissa Miller is a sophomore at UNC Charlotte studying Communications and Political Science. When she isn’t reviewing theater for Niner Times, she is pretending to be a homicide detective for the Mock Trial team and forcing her friends to binge watch television with her. In the future, she would like to be an investigative journalist, a lawyer, or the second female President of the United States (because if there isn’t one before the time she gets there, that’s just sad).

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