Santa Claus: the True Story

Ever since an old, obese man who doesn’t listen when his doctor says, “no more sugar” showed up in Coca-cola commercial around the 1920s, the questions about a certain jolly, white-bearded man has risen time after time, and like Tommy Wiseau, no real answer ever seems to make enough sense. Until now. This is Cornelia Extrapolapagus, and you are listening to The Legit History that Never Seems to be Told For No Specific Reason. Let’s dig in.

Ellis Island, 1901–

Little Santanio came over to America with his parents like many of our ancestors. His father did construction work while Santanio accompanied his mother who worked as a maid for many families living in the Upper East of Manhattan. He spent his time making little trinkets from whatever he could find since his parents could never make enough money to buy him toys. His childhood wasn’t made any easier when the children of these rich families would bully him  by throwing rocks of coal at him (I don’t know where they got the coals from. They’re mean Victorian kids. Take it for what it is). Being an introvert who preferred isolation, he rarely bit the bait except for one time,


Mean Victorian Kid: *throwing rocks of coal at Santanio* Go back where you came from!

Santanio: Ironic considering how your family got here.

MVK: What did you say???

Santanio: Uhhhhhhhhh…..

MVK: I asked you a question!

Santanio: Uhhhh…I just–er, I, you know, I uhh… MAAAAA CAN WE GO HO-HO-HO-HOME NOW?????

(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Santonio stuttered as a child. Hence the catch phrase, ho-ho-ho came about)

New York City, 1936

Santanio Clausio , who changed his name to Santa Claus to appeal to the American consumer, at this point had shifted to the North Pole after the stock market crashed, and let’s be real, people sucked, so he realized he needed change in scenery. Because labor in the North Pole is cheaper, making toys and manufacturing them to America was less expensive. The success of a foreign company got American companies riled up, and they proposed a tariff as business was suffering because of the Great Depression. Under the accusation of monopoly, attention grew and the public wondered what else was unethical behind Santa Claus and his company. Allegations after allegations, some that include that Santa was actually Al Capone, the final nail was when Santa was hit with a child labor lawsuit. At court, it was argued that elves were to be treated as underage laborers due to height and weight even though all the elves were, in human years, twenty four years and above. They were also provided with proper workers’ insurance and healthcare which, when converted to current money, is equivalent to 400% of what blue-collar workers compensated with today (and that isn’t even including salary).

With lawsuits hitting him left and right, Claus disbanded the business leaving whatever money he was left with for the elves that were left unemployed from the lawsuits.

Where is he now you ask? Forced out of business, he is now working the United Nations to provide care for under privileged children around the world. So when your kids ask you this year why Santa never visits, you tell them that stupid, American capitalism is the root to all evil.

This is Cornelia Extrapolapagus, signing out.


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